:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Tuesday, June 11, 2013 ::

In the months since I last updated, I've moved (Four times!), had two jobs, been hospitalized twice, once for something stupid I did, the other because I was diagnosed with a chronic disease that I had to have an operation for.

To be honest, I don't even know why I felt like updating. I guess just to document all that? It's not like my last post was of any real substance. Really, I haven't updated with anything substantial since last August, when I finished my first year of Americorps. And now I'm doing a second. I'm living in a studio apartment in Concord, NH. It's not bad. Expensive. The Americorps salary is pathetic, but I guess it's better than nothing.

I feel like I've gone off the rails since all my medical stuff happened -- three days before I moved to New Haven, of course. I've gained and lost weight wildly, though I seem to be going on the "gaining" path now. I've been horrifically depressed, and other times feel just fine. I feel stupid trying to be vague on a public blog, but I don't know who reads this. Quite a few of my friends back in high school read it. Who knows what they're doing now, but that doesn't mean one of them might not say, "Hey, remember Nick's blog? I wonder if it's still around" one day. I don't want to delete this because it's got ten years (!) of entries and writing and, well, my life on it. Anyways, if one of you high school friends is reading this, well. . .hi, I guess, and no, I don't have anything life threatening. I guess I just want to keep some things personal.

It just feels weird that you're carrying around a disease that will never go away. It's nice to have a name for symptoms you've experienced since eighth grade, but it still feels hollow. Like, there's just nothing I can do expect take a pill and each night and just hope that keeps things in order.

I went to the wedding of two of my best friends from college last month. It was wonderful. I saw people I hadn't seen since I graduated college. It felt like nothing had changed. And yet, on the plane ride back, I felt so incredibly lonely. I knew I'd be one of the few people at the wedding without a plus one, but it didn't really hit me until late in the reception, and by that time, there was little left to really care about it. But sitting in an airport for a three hour layover can make you think about it.

I think the whole breakdown I had with Michael wasn't necessarily out of rejection or anything, but just a sense of finality. I was angry at school, I was angry at my professors, I was just angry in general, and now I'm getting rejected. It felt like, in that moment, I was just never going to find someone. The best relationship I've ever had was in high school. High school. And it ended terribly. The rest were fleeting, and I was unable to commit to most of them because I cared more about getting my work done and making it as best as I possibly could. I felt bad for Dustin, but when I'm lying to you solely because I just want to have a weekend to myself, there's an issue. I felt bad for what I became after Andrew broke up with me, and I still feel bad, but that's been so long ago that it feels silly to apologize for it. It's like apologizing for something someone else did. Whoever I was back then, it's not who I am anymore. At least I hope. The rest, like I said, were fleeting. And few and far between.

So here I sit, in the fourth place I've moved into in about five months, and it's raining outside. I've got the new Boards of Canada album playing, and it's wonderful. I think of all that's happened to me in the past few months, stuff I've done to myself, stuff I've accomplished, stuff I've worked towards, stuff I did that I wish like hell I could take back. I applied for a job in New York today, a job I really, really want. A job I think I might have a good chance of landing. And I'd be making real money, not this poverty line bullshit Americorps pays you. And I'd be in New York. I've wanted to live there since. . .since a long time ago.

Anyways, I figured I'd keep a record of this somewhere. And this is still, ten years later, my blog. So I suppose I should use it from time to time. I'll just try to avoid anything pre-2007 so I don't cringe too hard.

:: Nick Tuesday, June 11, 2013 [+] ::