:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Wednesday, February 17, 2010 ::

I hate this time of night.

Well, technically, it's morning. Lately I've been having trouble sleeping. I'll basically stay awake until about six. I hate it because it's right at the cusp of morning, so there's still that bit of you that thinks you could get a few hours in, but then there's that part of you that thinks you should just go ahead and stay awake. After all, you have to get up in a few hours. Just depends on the level of grogginess I think I need (Or don't need) to survive the day.

I feel like I've been having these minor panic attacks since the term started back up. The first was when we got back from Winter Break and we were in the Art Dept. meeting, specifically when they passed around the calendar and then started talking about what day Portfolio Review would be on. Instantly there was this tightness in my chest and this really overwhelming feeling of needing to get out of the room.

The second happened after I got back from a weekend back home a couple weeks ago. I walked into the fourth year studio and instantly had to sit down because, once agan, it felt like I couldn't breathe and there was this overwhelming feeling of needing to leave the room.

The third happened today. Nikki mentioned that Burton is trying to get us all internships on the stupid Smurfs movie for two weeks and I instantly felt like I couldn't breathe. The thought of losing two weeks of work was unfathomable to me, and especially for something I don't want to do after school. I know it's about connections and I know it'll be good for me, but still. I also know I'll be a bundle of nerves while I'm up there.

I hate that this makes me feel this way. I almost wanted to back out of the DC trip because I started feeling panicky. That hour long ride back to Maryland was one of the worst of my life, because I sat there fighting the anxiety the entire time. I told Brittany that if we do go back up, I'm spending the extra money on some cheap hotel, because I can't do that hour long train ride again.

I've started to wonder if maybe it's some form of claustrophobia? Because it's mainly when I get trapped in a situation with no way to get out that I start getting panicky, i.e., meetings, long car/train rides, etc. I've also looked at Chron's disease (I think I spelled that right) and it seems to fit my symptoms, but I doubt that's it.

Either way, I need to go back on my medication. I should have never let it expire in the first place.

:: Nick Wednesday, February 17, 2010 [+] ::