:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Monday, June 15, 2009 ::

Sam's graduation was so nostalgic for me. There were a ton of alumni there, so seeing everyone was cool, and, of course, seeing Whiteside is also nice. I missed Joyce and Mitchell wasn't there, but oh, well.

I guess it just, once again, reminded me of how at home I felt at Northwest. Looking at that sea of graduate caps, I couldn't help but think of when I was in that very position. I even remember Graeson and I hugging when we got offstage. My class was like my family. I've never felt like that since.

I just get so. . .sad when I think about NCSA next year. I'm living with two people I don't know that well, and it just makes me kind of worried about the fact that I won't be living with any of my close friends. I certainly don't want to shut Mariangelica or Michael out, but I guess it just feels weird. But I don't really know why. I ask myself if I'd feel better living on my own, but it'd still be the same situation.

And. . .I guess I just really don't want to return to NCSA. I wish it wasn't my last year. I wish it was, like, my second year so I could withdraw and have it make sense. Withdrawing in your final year is so stupid. Surely I can make it one more year, right? Problem is, I don't think I can.

Speaking of, I hate when people toss that out: "It's just one year!" Unless you haven't noticed, a year is kind of a long time. Think about how much life you've lived -- how much life I've lived. Yeah, guess what. Only twenty-two years (Granted, it'll be twenty-three in a few months, but still). A year is a long time. Just because it's one of something doesn't make it any less manageable.

I hope Whiteside e-mails me back. I know he was in a similar situation when he dropped out on seminary, so I guess he'll kind of know the situation I'm in.

I also felt such a sweet connection between Sam and Hillary tonight. It was subtle, but really sweet, and I know he really likes her. When mom said he was thinking of breaking up with her before college I was so. . .stunned. Hell, I don't know if they'll work or if they should even try. But I want them to. And I don't know why. Am I living vicariously through Sam, wishing he gets something that I didn't? Asheville and Greensboro aren't that far away from each other -- Just 40 both ways, maybe two hours. They could make it work. But I don't know why it bothers me so much. Or maybe it's just because I like Hillary and maybe it's because I don't want her to have go through what I went through when Andrew dumped me (If it's even comparable) or maybe it's because I don't want Sam to go through what I felt like when I dumped Dustin. I don't know why this is such a big deal for me.

I don't know. I'm so confused.

I started wondering a couple of weeks ago if maybe I will end up alone. I couldn't decide if I'd be okay with that or if it would bother me. Part of me felt like, yeah, I'd be fine. I mean, I've pretty much been alone since Andrew (Dustin was such a short thing it didn't really count) so I'm used to it. But then I look at how my friends act with their boyfriends and girlfriends and I wonder if maybe it would bother me. But then I wonder how I'd counteract that. And I don't know. I just. . .don't know how to put myself out there and I'm too self-conscious to not wonder if I'm making myself seem like a bigger idiot for doing so.

I just miss Northwest. I miss high school. I miss Whiteside and Joyce and Mitchell and Delaney and Mo and Hoover and all my friends and my classes and my one little relationship and my life.

Maybe it's because I felt secure in high school. Maybe it's because I wasn't responsible for myself yet. Maybe I'm just getting terrified that I've slowly had to assume responsibility for my own self and I'll have to assume even more in just a year. Maybe I'm just afraid of that.

:: Nick Monday, June 15, 2009 [+] ::