:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Tuesday, July 11, 2006 ::

So then. Today's been weird. I spent the large majority of it with my mom. A member of her church died (She was one of the more prominent figures, too) and so I went with her. I know the family and...yeah. I don't know, it was weird. I guess you can't help but make connections to funerals you've attended, too. It just reminded me a lot of my grandfather's funeral. Even Amazing Grace was played on the bagpipes, and, I mean, my vote for the most beautiful instrument goes automatically to the bagpipes, and the same thing happened when they carried my grandfather's casket out of the church to the cemetary, and I had been holding it together fairly well up to that point, but that was when I lost it. And, I mean, I was struggling with a lot then, anyways, what with the fact that I hadn't visited him in the hospital and one of the last things he said about me was "I wish we were closer".

Anyways. So, yeah. Roxanne, who I've known forever, and is the organ player for the church, was falling apart while playing the songs, and that was impressive and just incredibly saddening at the same time, since Doris (The women who had died) had been a member of the church choir with her husband since they had joined the church, almost fifty years ago.

Afterwards, my mom and I just started talking about the funerals of three of my grandparents, and, you know, my last remaining grandparent can't die anytime soon. She's EASILY the one I was always closest to, and that would be a miserable experience. But, anyways, I guess all this talking just got me thinking about the subject of loss and when you lose a loved one. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what it is like to lose your wife of 55 years. At the same time, seeing two people who are clearly distraught because they've missed each other so much and are going to have to say goodbye to each other is also pretty powerful, and also something I can't begin to understand. Perhaps the level of love between two people is the most affecting. I mean, if you want a silly example, the part of Eternal Sunshine that, like clockwork, makes me sob every single time I watch that movie, is when Joel's memory is almost completely gone, and he and Clementine are on the steps of that house, and he says in a hushed whisper "I love you". There's something so beautiful about that, because, I guess, it represents that saying at it's purest, because you know you're about to lose that other person forever (Oh, and props to Jim Carrey for nailing that line). Doc (The husband) had written a letter to his wife that Brad read during the service, and, like Eternal Sunshine, it ended with just a simple "I love you" and that was incredibly sad.

And, like last night, which I won't go into too much detail about, there was something just powerfully sad about that. I mean, even though you know you'll see that person in three weeks, and probably sporadically in between, that lack of that one person can, I guess, really effect you. Perhaps what I'm getting at is that it's a real example of unconditional love for another human being.

One of the most vivid memories I have of my grandfather is from the last Christmas at his house. He turned to me and said "I'm going to ask Jennifer a medical question and see what she says" and he had this big smile on his face and then he told her that it hurt when he raised his arm. The joke being, of course, if it hurts to raise your arm, don't do it! But there was something kind of funny about it. And just to lay on the guilt, my grandfather was a pretty big conservative. Bought Ann Coulter books, that kind of republican. Anyways, my mom told him I was gay (I didn't know this until a few months ago) and she mentioned that she noticed a change where it went from a love you have for a grandson to something bigger, and I had also noticed that, right before he checked into the hospital, there was something different between our relationship. Sam and I were never particularly close to him (Probably because we lived the farthest away. Price, Will and Brian usually helped him with house and yard work, and Jennifer was the only girl, and also EASILY the sanest relative out of that entire clan) but there was a very noticable change, and that kind of saddens me. I wish I had taken advantage of that change.

*Sigh* And I think that's enough.

:: Nick Tuesday, July 11, 2006 [+] ::