:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Monday, April 10, 2006 ::

So, I've realized that it's whenever I really should be working on something (In this case, reading the Franklin's Tale) that I update this thing. Oh well.

Anyways, this is for a fake deep type entry, but it's really just some stuff I'm trying to figure out. Read at your own leisure/discresion/frankly, if you're here, leave a comment!

As happy as I am that I'm going to NCSA next year, and as much as I've loved CofC this year, and as much as I'm happy with my classes and grades, I just feel a little unfulfilled. I don't know, maybe it's just a teenager thing, but, damn, I'll be twenty in less than six months. Twenty. I feel old. I feel like I should be out there, accomplishing things. Solving world hunger and promoting world peace. And on the other hand, I'm still a virgin, and only dated someone for about five-and-a-half months. I still feel like a kid. I mean, I know things won't change, it's just an age, not a mindset, but I feel like I should be maturing between now and then, I should be doing something that signifies that I'll be twenty. I know this is kind of stupid rambling, but I don't know. I feel like I've just kind of been stupid and wasted so much of my life so far.

I kind of get that Joycian Epiphany thing now. It's not just a moment of "Oh, I realize something!" but it's a moment where you see something or witness something and there's something about it that kind of, for lack of a better term, takes your breath away. Something about it is transcendental, it emotionally punches you in the stomach. 2001 was like that for me. I literally felt "blown away". The same way with the entire Three Colors trilogy, especially Red and the finale of Blue, and, in some ways, the final shot of White. Or with Prufrock or Heart of Darkness. It's like you sit there and you don't move, you don't do anything, because the overwhelming sensation kind of forces you to pay attention and you're so captivated.

I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to move on, and the other part of me wants to warp ahead to when I'm in my thirties and see what's going on.

I'm kind of ready for the summer. I need some time where I can just sit and relax when I want to.

College can sometimes be really lonely when you don't drink and party.

:: Nick Monday, April 10, 2006 [+] ::