:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

This is the end :: Monday, March 28, 2005 ::

SOMEONE PLEASE BUY ME A COPY OF APOCALYPSE NOW. I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER.

My brother's cat is sitting in my lap, begging to be petted and it's really kind of obstructing the keyboard and making typing this a pain.

So. I'm updating. How nice. I haven't updated my LiveJournal that frequently, either. Guess I'm losing use for them. Although, it is nice to have a place where I can just vent or complain with the fullest knowledge that no one will ever read what I'm writing. Unless, of course, they cracked my password, which...I think I've only given to one person once in my life for anything. Eh, whatever.

So, what should I write? Well, how about this, to entertain the masses: I cried in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern during the saturday performance. Yep, that's right, I cried. So, Caroline and Sara, congrats, you made me cry. It was right when the light started to fade out on Sara and those two kind of face their death and I was standing behind one of the masks and I just started crying. No particular reason that I've figured out, but I think it was a combination of that being the last Northwest show I'd be involved in and the themes of the play. It's not about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern at all, I swear it. It's about morality and something about that just whacked me over the head multiple times during the Saturday show. I know people don't believe me, but the Saturday show was absolutely amazing. I mean, I cried in Ragtime a couple of times, but that's a given. I mean, seriously, that funeral scene was flat out amazing. But this was a different type of emotion that evoked it. I don't know. I want a copy of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's last lines in the play to put on my door. But I think that the fact that this was my last Northwest show kind of hit me, too. I think it just kind of hit home that now that it's the end of March, high school is wrapping up and it's kind of terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

I hate having to deal with which college to go to. I so badly and desperately and passionately want to go to College of Charleston. But then I have my mom behind me telling me I'll have to take out loans and how that will be such a burden and she doesn't want me to deal with it. So that leaves me with UNC and Appalachian, neither of which I'm particularly motivated to go to. But we can afford those two schools, which means no loans. Which does kind of influence it. I don't know. I know that loans would be a bitch to deal with later on (Especially since I want to be a teacher and a teacher's salary would make it even harder) but I just can't get over what I know would be the better college for me to go to. AGH! I hate even talking about this. I'm so unbelievably tired. I have never felt so mentally and physically exhausted. I swear, that wasn't sickness that I had back in November or December, when I lost my voice and looked like a living zombie, that was exhaustion. And now I've got to finish Portrait of the Artist, which is really just not that interesting to me, and the MWDS for it is due soon, I have ANOTHER analysis paper I have to do on ANOTHER romantic poet, Plant projects are due after Spring Break, Psychology projects, and, of course, lest we forget, AP Exams are in a little over a month. I'd like to enjoy my Spring Break, but look at what I have to do DURING it.

I really want to direct again. I think that'd be just insanely awesome if I could be a director. I've been watching all these behind-the-scenes stuff on some movies and it just fascinates me and I think that'd be amazing if I ever got the chance to direct a film. I so seriously considered applying to NCSA for film for about one day and I'm kind of wishing I had now. Anyways. That'd be awesome. It'd probably never happen, but I'd love to direct a movie. And if I couldn't direct, I think cinematography or editing would be the next best thing.

The Terry Shiavo thing is interesting to me. It's just...I don't know. The fact that this man has fought now for fifteen years, FIFTEEN FREAKING YEARS, for this is so...uplifting, maybe? I don't know the word. But to have dealt with that for that long, I mean, that's longer than my brother has been alive. But to have fought so long and endlessly for this cause is amazing. I know that I absolutely would not want to spend fifteen years in a perpetual vegetative state. What's the point of living if you can't enjoy it? So to have this man out there, fighting for fifteen years, I guess that's a prime example of love for another human being. Anyways.

I made an offhand remark last year, in April, and I meant it completely in jest, but now, a year later, and it looks like that comment kind of came true. I meant it as a complete joke, but...oh well.

I've lost weight in my wrists. My watch size went down one hole today.

I miss Ragtime dearly. I wish we could go back to when I was at the Booth all day the week before the show went up and could do it all over again. Exhaustion and everything. I have never been so tired, but, my God, I loved every minute of it, and I wish that I had been involved with the musical more than just this one experience. Makes me want to do something for the Musical Revue, just to be around most of those people again.

*Sigh* I was with Heidi and Liz until, what, 12:45 at night the other day, and it was so much fun, just the three of us. I love it when it's just the three of us, like after the APUSH Exam last year. And other times. It's like I have two sisters. I've always wanted a sister, and I kind of have two now. Well, I already have two surrogate sisters, but they're eight and five. I've always wanted an older sister, and I more or less get that with Liz and Heidi, even though I'm older than both.

When I die, someone make sure that "Mistah Kurtz - He Dead" is written on my tombstone. And if I can't get that, I want the final three lines of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. And if I can't get that, then the final four lines of The Hollow Men will do just fine.

But preferably "Mistah Kurtz - He Dead."

I miss having a boyfriend. Oh well. College in a few months. Hopefully things will go much better there.

My mom asked me why I wasn't dating anyone a few weeks back. I said, "Because there's no one I'm interested in." I thought, "Thanks, Mom, as if I didn't feel pathetic and lonely enough..."

I am hungry and this is a long entry.

Profound statement, no?

:: Nick Monday, March 28, 2005 [+] ::