:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Friday, March 04, 2005 ::

So what do I write? Tonight's show was stressful for me to the nth degree because a shitload of things were going wrong backstage. Did you see that piano tilt forward? That would have been interesting to see how the cast managed to work that in. Anyways, tomorrow is the last show, and, dammit, I know I'm going to just sob.

After the show, I went and drove around Charlotte for about an hour. It's still hard to believe that I'm leaving it soon. I keep thinking "Wow, I miss junior year" but then I think how wrong it is to say that. If I was still in junior year, I wouldn't know Ian or Kara or Kennedy or Caitlin or Kesel or Maria or Charles or Romairas or Devin or Rosie or Meg or anyone I've gotten to know so incredibly well over the course of the year. It's ironic when such a twist of fate is thrown at you. You can accept the misery you seem to have been stuck in, only to realize how many people you have who love you and care about you, or you can wish for a time when you were happy, but those people weren't there. And, you know, I wouldn't know Mrs. O'Neill, either.

I think I'm out of whatever depression I was in. Took me long enough. I think I'm now just kind of...well, since Mrs. O'Neill had a quick discussion on it, it seems only appropriate to use it...complacent. I went out to lunch with Mr. Mitchell the other day, and we talked some about it, and I think it finally just hit me. What that "it" is, I have no clue. But just a realization of some sort.

Sometimes I think that perhaps I just needed to get away. I don't think that was it. Although, I will say, I think I very much need to start over and literally create a new life for myself. Not changing my name or anything, but I think it's just what I need to do.

It was interesting that Dr. LaBorde talked about me on the night my parents came. And, you know, I really appreciate all the acknowledgement from the staff and cast, because I honestly don't think I deserve that much. It's incredibly nice and I appreciate it, but...I don't know. I think it's ironic they call me "Brain."

I guess I've got about 24 hours left to make my move. That's one thing I really wish I had. In Apocalypse Now, Marlon Brando has this great monologue and, at one point, he says, "It's judgment that defeats us." I think that's what's been stopping me. I need to just blurt out something and say it.

I wish someone would get online.

I'm lonely all the time now.

I really shouldn't be.

I was talking with Jesse the other day (It was a very bad day for me) and she asked me what I wanted most out of life, and I guess my answer is really kind of sad. Not in a pathetic sense, but a depressing sense. I want so much, but the one thing I want above all else is something that I think everybody wants at one point or another, but I...never mind. I'm going to be that bitter old man with a cane who walks around hitting little children.

I need to watch American Beauty sometime soon. It's been far too long since I watched it last.

I don't know what the best way to wrap up this entry would be. It came across far more depressing than I meant it to be. I'm really quite happy right now. I'm so extremely grateful for everything the musical has done for me and for all the people involved with it who just make me smile and laugh every day I see them and remind me that there is a reason I'm here. Sometimes it becomes really difficult to see that, and, at those points, I feel like I'm just going to mentally shut down, but, more often than not, these people have made me so happy I stage managed this thing.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

:: Nick Friday, March 04, 2005 [+] ::