:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

It's a depressing one, so if that annoys you, don't read it and don't comment telling me to shut up. Don't say I didn't warn you. :: Thursday, September 16, 2004 ::

It's so nice to be sitting here, late at night, in some shorts and a shirt, and have only the light of the computer screen to illuminate my surroundings. I've got some nice music playing, and I feel kind of nice.

I don't know what's been wrong with me this year. I came back from Europe feeling so refreshed. All of summer was so awesome. But then school started and something changed. I don't really know what. I just feel sad all of the time now. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I can't explain it.

I hate feeling like I'm annoying people. I'll just start talking and suddenly shut up and think "They don't want to hear this" and keep everything bottled inside. I'm so paranoid. I think the worst of any situation and it sucks.

I wish I could tell how some people truly feel towards me so I wouldn't have to keep guessing and feeling so awkward and confused around them.

I don't know what happened, and that kills me! If I could just take the person I was back in, I don't know, January, and switch that person in with the person I am now, it'd be so nice.

There was this great quote the other night on Six Feet Under. In fact, I believe it was the closing exchange between David and Nathaniel. And I sat there, mulling over that for a little while, and I wish it were that easy.

Mr. Mitchell started gushing about me to Ms. Love, the new band teacher, and she asked if I was the Mike D'Angelo of theatre, and he responded with "Yes, he is the Mike D'Angelo of theatre," which made me feel so humbled because that's not true at ALL and...I didn't know what to say. It was such a nice thing to say about someone. I think I managed to stammer out a thank you, but I was a bit taken aback that he thought that.

There's an excellent line in the movie Amadeus by Tom Hulce that I really think describes how I feel. Go watch the movie and figure it out, it's an awesome movie anyways. I just...it is. It really is.

I wish I was more assertive, more confident, less shy, less awkward.

I get so damn lonely

Recently, I keep having these flashes of memories of people and places that I'd rather forget. Just little things will set them off, and I want a mental sponge to get them out of my head.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I really wanted that bonsai for my birthday. October 3rd, mark your calenders.

I really did want that bonsai.

:: Nick Thursday, September 16, 2004 [+] ::