:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

I never want to go home because I haven't got one :: Tuesday, February 03, 2004 ::

Today...was not good. But in a minute.

Theo said something that intrigued me in Honors A, that we grieve for those we never really knew that well far more than those who we were very close with. And it made sense, as I got over my other grandmother and grandfather's deaths very quickly. And yet, the grandfather who I never really knew is the one who, almost a year to his death, I still find myself dwelling on.

But then I thought about my immediate family. My mom, for all the shit she puts me through (And vice versa), is one of my best friends. I would absolutely wreck if she died. It'd be far different if I was as close with my dad as I was with my mom, in which case it might be easier. But to lose my mom...I would slowly slip into a state of...numbness.

Friends, as well. I haven't really lost any close friends (My best friend from elementary school tried to commit suicide a couple of years ago), so I don't know what my actual reaction would be. Part of me says, for some, I would sob for days. For others, I would be sad, but it would eventually just become a part of my life. Yeah, I'd miss them, but I'd get over them, and life would keep on going.

I used to think that death was the biggest event that would ever happen in my life. That is to say, the death of loved ones. Do I fear death? Difficult to say. I do believe in some sort of afterlife...maybe not heaven, or the white fluffy clouds everyone makes it out to be...But I don't think your soul can stop existing. My mom always says to be thankful she married my dad, because, without that, I wouldn't be here. I think differently. I would be here, because my soul would be born into another person. If my mom and dad had not met, I might be some Russian girl who is currently the biggest pop phenomenom in Russia. So I like to think that after I die, my body will be dead, but my soul will continue to live on. And when I die, I'll be born into another body. Maybe I'll be an elephant, living in Africa. Maybe I'll be the future Prime Minister of England. Maybe I'll be the first monkey to succesfully fly around the world three times.

Death is...inevitable. That I know. I will die at somepoint, and so I will find some version of the afterlife. But I think I'll live on.

Getting on to why today was bad...I fuck things up with a single, innocent statement, and I'm tired of that. I wish I could just bottle all my thoughts, put them in a jar, give them to the person who I want to express those thoughts to, and have them put those thoughts in their heads and then they know exactly what I'm talking about and what I mean. Because I can't express myself with vocals. It has to be writing. And, because of the public nature of this blog, I cannot do so.

And I'm fucking tired of it.

UGH! FUCK! SHIT! DAMN!

An afterlife does exist...it's this world. Reincarnation, baby. That's the way to go.

Teacher Quote of the Day

Pi over four! Pi over three! Pi over your mama!
-Mr. Miskolitz

Current Mood: Ugh
Current Music: Thomas Newman - Field Trip

:: Nick Tuesday, February 03, 2004 [+] ::