:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

I started something I couldn't finish :: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 ::

A lovely little conversation I had with Caroline a couple of nights ago-

seaelleff [9:57 PM]: so.....hows life? better or worse than a moth ago?
seaelleff [9:57 PM]: *month
Nickmac11 [9:57 PM]: Um...let's see...at this time last month I was...
Nickmac11 [9:58 PM]: December was a good month...just...I was really sleep deprived because I had to wake up at 6 and got to bed at around 12 every day for about two weeks...and was stressed out because of the Civil War...
Nickmac11 [9:58 PM]: How about I'm better than I was at this time in November
Nickmac11 [9:58 PM]: Because I'm really happy and...nice...right now
seaelleff [9:59 PM]: hmm thats good
seaelleff [9:59 PM]: whys that?
Nickmac11 [9:59 PM]: just...for once this school year, everything seems to be going the way I want it to
seaelleff [9:59 PM]: thats really awesome
Nickmac11 [9:59 PM]: And there's other stuff, but that's the main reason
seaelleff [10:00 PM]: thats good
seaelleff [10:00 PM]: im good right now too....not as good as i was this time last month, but im good
seaelleff [10:00 PM]: despite all the badness
Nickmac11 [10:01 PM]: Yeah
seaelleff [10:02 PM]: its really not as bad as it seemed when it all happened
Nickmac11 [10:02 PM]: Ah
seaelleff [10:02 PM]: Nickmac11: And there's other stuff, but that's the main reason
seaelleff [10:03 PM]: why else?
Nickmac11 [10:03 PM]: Just...stuff
seaelleff [10:03 PM]: oh....meaning, "shut up you nosy jerk"
seaelleff [10:03 PM]: ...in aloving way of course
Nickmac11 [10:03 PM]: No...just...I can't really describe them. Believe me, I would love to tell you...I just can't quite...word it
Nickmac11 [10:03 PM]: Ha ha ha, of course because I love you
Nickmac11 [10:04 PM]: In a platonic kind of way
Nickmac11 [10:04 PM]: :-D
seaelleff [10:04 PM]: what does platonic mean?
Nickmac11 [10:04 PM]: Neutral
Nickmac11 [10:04 PM]: Like...hmmm.
Nickmac11 [10:04 PM]: How to describe it
Nickmac11 [10:04 PM]: Let me give an example
Nickmac11 [10:05 PM]: Somebody says "I Love you in a platonic way." The conotation of love is that that person is completely fixated on them, but platonic simply means it's like a...friendship. Like "You're so awesome...I love you!"
seaelleff [10:06 PM]: oh....yeah
Nickmac11 [10:06 PM]: I tried
seaelleff [10:06 PM]: thats what i mean pretty much everytime i say it
seaelleff [10:06 PM]: wait....it is everytime
Nickmac11 [10:06 PM]: Ha ha ha
seaelleff [10:07 PM]: we did this stupid assignment in english about love that assumed everyone in the class had been in love at some time
seaelleff [10:07 PM]: and im like dang im fifteen years old
Nickmac11 [10:07 PM]: Ha ha ha
seaelleff [10:08 PM]: ive never been in love. not real love i guess, but ive definitely been obsessed or infatuated or what have you.....but if there are people who believe they were in love in seventh grade....well they can kiss my butt. its called infatuation.
Nickmac11 [10:08 PM]: I agree
seaelleff [10:08 PM]: and i sound so cynical saying this.
Nickmac11 [10:08 PM]: No, I completely agree
seaelleff [10:09 PM]: i know but its an almost cynical viewpoint still
Nickmac11 [10:09 PM]: I think real LOVE is when you find that person who returns your exact feelings about you towards you and both of you feel as if you could not fathom being without each other in the future and it's just like a relationship that seems to transcend what the typical relationship would be like
Nickmac11 [10:10 PM]: I know it's cliched, but it's as if the other person completes you and makes you happy and just their presence can calm you and make you forget their worries
seaelleff [10:10 PM]: when i say things like this people say "so you dont believe in true love?" and yes....i do believe in true love and someday i hope to be part of a relationship like that. but im not expecting it to happen anytime soon. but at the ripe old age of fifteen i dont feel unfulfilled because im not in love with soemone.
Nickmac11 [10:11 PM]: Yeah
seaelleff [10:11 PM]: i dont know what i think love is, because i dont know what it feels like.
seaelleff [10:11 PM]: to be honest with you.
Nickmac11 [10:11 PM]: Yeah
seaelleff [10:11 PM]: i have a hypothesis....but where do you draw the line between love and infatuation?
Nickmac11 [10:12 PM]: Infatuation...hmm...I guess where it's just like...well...
Nickmac11 [10:13 PM]: Okay, to have actual love, you need to find a person who return your feelings and you can connect with them. Infatuation would be where you simply are with the person to be with them, not for a deeper reason. It's like they're a trophy...I guess.
seaelleff [10:14 PM]: because going by your model....i thought i was in love once. i had someone who i am still incredibly close friends with and we talked constantly, liked all the same stuff, and we were told we were like each other in different bodies. in about 4 months, i believed that i could not live without this kid and we were going to grow up and lead a happy life together and be in love and have a whole mess of kids. we could finish each others sentences and he is still one of my best friends in the entire world.
seaelleff [10:14 PM]: and now that i look back on it, i wasnt in love
seaelleff [10:14 PM]: but it sure felt like it.
Nickmac11 [10:14 PM]: Ah
Nickmac11 [10:14 PM]: :-seaelleff [10:15 PM]: so i dont know where to draw the line
Nickmac11 [10:15 PM]: Hmm...
Nickmac11 [10:16 PM]: That's the best I can describe love
seaelleff [10:16 PM]: because i dont know about love. i dont know about a connection because we had one. we thought we were both perfect (and it wasnt just me. he liked me as much if not more than i liked him)
seaelleff [10:16 PM]: its just confusing
seaelleff [10:16 PM]: they say youll know it when you feel it
Nickmac11 [10:16 PM]: I guess
seaelleff [10:16 PM]: and i thought i felt it and now it seems so petty and juvenile
seaelleff [10:17 PM]: my biggest fear is never falling in love. that sounds dumb becuase it might never happen. but that is the thing i am most afraid of
Nickmac11 [10:17 PM]: I do think, however, that the adage that love cannot exist before you're 21 (Or whatever) is bullshit. I think it can because not all teenagers are horny sexpots
Nickmac11 [10:17 PM]: Sure, probably less than 10%, but still
seaelleff [10:18 PM]: yeah i know what you mean
Nickmac11 [10:18 PM]: I want to post this conversation on my blog...but I still have a little over 24 hours until I can...dammit
seaelleff [10:18 PM]: copy and save it
Nickmac11 [10:18 PM]: Yeah...
seaelleff [10:19 PM]: the sad thing is....maybe i was "in love" but i dont even remember what it felt like anymore. theres nothing to compare it with.
Nickmac11 [10:20 PM]: Yeah
seaelleff [10:20 PM]: its dumb and makes me sad to think about.
seaelleff [10:20 PM]: love is so confusing
Nickmac11 [10:20 PM]: Maybe you're right and it is just one of those things you know when it happens
seaelleff [10:20 PM]: yeah
seaelleff [10:20 PM]: and nick....i hope it happens to you someday
Nickmac11 [10:20 PM]: Well........................thank you
Nickmac11 [10:21 PM]: The same to you
seaelleff [10:21 PM]: that is my biggest wish for you
Nickmac11 [10:21 PM]: Thank you. Really.

seaelleff [10:21 PM]: and if it happens to you first....you can tell me what it feels like
seaelleff [10:21 PM]: lol
Nickmac11 [10:21 PM]: And for you, because you're so cool...and you deserve someone who loves you, I hope you get it
seaelleff [10:21 PM]: thanks bud
Nickmac11 [10:21 PM]: Anytime

:: Nick Wednesday, January 14, 2004 [+] ::