:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

It's only teenage wasteland :: Saturday, December 06, 2003 ::

Should this post make absolutely no sense...well...sorry. I'm a bit...um...delirious right now. It feels like my eyes are closed but I'm still awake and everything else has shut down. I needed to write something. I've spent the last hour reading and I needed to write. Something. Anything. And so I'm writing. I think I'm...shit...what was I going to say? I'm really tired of that. And my mood swings. I don't know why it happens, but this school year, I've been able to go from happy to sad to depressed to resentful to jealous to angry in the span of five minutes. The slightest thing can annoy me. I've never been this sarcastic in my life. I've insulted and hurt my mom in the past three weeks then I have in my life. I wish she would understand how stressed I've been and I wish I could keep my emotions under control and not have them fluctuate as wildly as they do. I love my mom. I don't say that enough. She just...I don't know. Yes, I hate her obsession with Clay Aiken. Yes, she does annoy me sometimes...but it's not like she's my mom. It's like she's my friend. If I've ever had a problem, I could talk to her about it. And she would listen. And she would offer advice. And if she ever had a problem, she would talk to me about it. And I would listen. And I would offer advice. I know I've said I've wanted to get away from her...and in some ways, I do. But, on a whole, my mom is great and I'm lucky she's my mom instead of some other people's moms. My dad...I'm not that close with him and I don't really want to be close with him. Do I really care if I see him after college? No, not really. I'm just tired of him. I'm tired of having him being able to order me around as much as he wants and I can't say a damned thing in retaliation but when I do it to him he retaliates like hell. But, in some ways, I'm also lucky to have him as father for one specific reason (I hate that your dad is like that by the way. Seriously...I can't imagine what that must be like)

I'm not depressed right now! I know some of you reading must be thinking "Oh, this the monthly 'My life sucks...someone gag me with a spoon now' post"...but it's not. I love being able to go somewhere...this is going to be tough...being able to get that escape from my family and from, really, my life and how whatever crap I'm feeling at that time evaporates.

So...I'm writing. My mind is still concentrating on the Civil War. I have all my mementos from it stashed in my car, including my sign I wore yesterday that said "I have killed twice...I MUST KILL AGAIN! DIE UNION SCUM!" I feel like I should be running somewhere on monday. I should be studying trivia right now. I should be worried about how many Union people are going after me. I'm going through withdraw. Okay...yes, I hated the war by the end. I was so freaking stressed and exhausted...but...I think I would do it again. I won't be able to, obviously...but I think I would do it all over again. Except I would have stopped Mr. Tam from giving us a hint on question 25. And I would have dumped a bucket of red paint on Ryan Gibble since the entire Southern team wore as much red as possible (Including face paint and any extranneous articles of clothing...my sign, for instance, or Andrew's pants yesterday...Conferecy...he he he...) and then there's Ryan Gibble...in blue. Show your damn Southern Pride, man!

I'm going to be so upset if we lose because we all put our lives on hold to do nothing but the Civil War and we fought like hell and were not going down without a fight. I would have hated to be on the Union because we were kicking their asses.

:: Nick Saturday, December 06, 2003 [+] ::