:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Friday, November 14, 2003 ::

I don't know what was in the air today, but I felt like curling up into the fetal position all day and stay like that forever. And it wasn't even a bad day! I got to talk to Kristina which I haven't done for a long time and Margaret and Kay in Pre-Cal...I just really felt like dissappering.

If only Liz's jewel thing actually worked.

I think the big reason is that last night I really hit a...metaphorical wall in terms of my life, mostly pertaining to my religious stance.

Do I believe in God? THE God? Well...no. I don't. I don't think there is that all powerful being out there that controls my every actions and thoughts. But do I believe in something a bit more...supernatural? Sure. Not the God, but something. I don't believe in Christianity, I don't believe in this all powerful God. No, I don't. And I officially decided that last night.

But what if there is a God? Then he hates me. He obviously wants me to suffer. He's put me through so much crap in my life that it's obvious he hates me. But then I think about what's happened to me in the past month and I think "Well, there has to be somebody out there who wants good things to happen for me." Seriously, I've had the best thing happen to me in my life during October. It's really just...unexplainable but it's like someone granted my wish. So does somebody have a vested interest in me? This one thing outweighs almost every bad thing that has happened in my life...ever.

My personality can be traced back to fourth grade. I hate blaming somebody for what I am today, but the bastards in the fifth grade picked on the fourth graders so much and I hated living with that knowledge...that reputation, I guess. When I came to Northwest, I decided to just be quiet. To not offend anyone. If somebody wanted me to do something, I would do it so there wouldn't be a possibility of them hating me. It's only been this year I've started to get over that shyness and passiveness...but only slightly. Do I still have trouble meeting new people? Yes. I would never go up to someone and just strike up a conversation. I can't do that. So I feel like the friends I have all wanted me to be a friend because they would have had to get to know me. It hurts to think we have less than two years together as a group. I hate that and wish it could go on.

But getting back to religion...I just...I don't know. To give an example, I offer up "The Luckiest". This person is singing about how he has finally found happiness and how the thought of him never of finding this person...he can't even fathom it. Am I the luckiest? In one respect, yes. But that all ends in two years. And then what? We start over? We move on? I talk with my friends every so often and then we slowly lose contact? So...then what? I make new friends? I can't do that. I'd be the one in their college dorm who never steps out except for classes.

And all of this posed one question in my mind that I vehemently denied a couple of weeks ago: Am I Unhappy?

Yep. That feeling of unhappiness only vanishes around you (You know who you are...since I've told you this directly) and that makes me reconsider that statement. Am I unhappy? When it comes to school, what I really want to do but can't bring myself to do, yes, I am. I hate knowing that I am smart but that the subjects I'm smart in aren't offered. Mythology? If that was a subject I would ace it. I would love to take a class on Religion or Philosophy. I have no vested interest in any kind of math, I only took Physics because it was the only science I could/wanted to take. I hate feeling like I'm a complete moron...that some of my teachers look at me with dissapointment in their eyes. But I put myself through this. I dwell on that fact. I've always wanted to be the good student...you know, if not the best student, at least a good student would suffice. I hate it when I think I understand something only to forget it on a test.

Two months ago, if you had asked me about my social life, I would have said I wanted to shoot myself (This was during the apex of the Jesse/Nick saga)...now? I'm not so sure. Lately, both Sonny and Margaret have asked me about Jesse and I've never mentioned her to either of them. Margaret said Diana told her Jesse had a crush on me, but how did Sonny find out? And I'm really getting tired/annoyed/irritated/frustrated with one certain classmate who needs to learn when to shut up and to not ask to do certain things (Like going to the bathroom) over and over when the teacher has made it abundantly clear they don't allow students to go to the bathroom. Stop interupting the teacher with stupid questions! Let them fucking teach! And stop trying to always talk to me! You are a friend, but I have other friends I want to talk to as well.

I hate that my experience through Macbeth affected me so much that I couldn't bring myself to sign up for Rhinoceros auditions. I stood there with Jesse, staring at the list and couldn't sign it for fear I might actually be cast and then have to relive the hell that was Macbeth again. I seriously just kind...froze and stared. And had Jesse try to convince me...and I still couldn't sign the damn thing. I could not force myself to write my name down. I HAD TO MAKE JESSE SIGN IT FOR ME!

Since Macbeth is over...I feel like voicing a lot of what I wanted to say during that time: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT IT! I am NOT crazy not to date her, I simply don't want to! You make it out that she's going through pain and frustration...DID YOU NOT SEE HOW MUCH FRUSTRATION I WAS GOING THROUGH?! DID YOU NOT SEE HOW BADLY YOU WERE STRAINING OUR FRIENDSHIP?!

So...fuck you.

But now I value your friendship. So don't take that Fuck You seriously. I would have just liked to say it about a month ago.

I think I'm also kind of feeling like...well...okay, everybody went to NCTC today...except me. Again. I'm left with Heidi and Liz who are two wonderful friends, but I feel like I have to be so serious around them because they get annoyed so easily. And then with Diana, Sara, Andrew, Brittany, Jennifer, et. al. at NCTC...I had to be that serious persona instead of just being kind of carefree and...well, yeah. So perhaps I'm a bit jealous of that. That I don't get to be with that group of people outside of school. I hate that I feel that way because it so stupid and petty. But I do. I can't help it.

I've gotten so far off the subject, it's kind of scary. This all started when I read Andrew's blog and found that comment from Landon about "Are you a christian?" I could not answer it, and that really made me start thinking again about my views on religion.

It's friday, I'm going to use the weekend to recouperate and hopefully be happy again by monday.

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: The Smiths - Asleep

:: Nick Friday, November 14, 2003 [+] ::