:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Wednesday, September 17, 2003 ::

Maybe if I type out what I'm going through, I'll be able to figure out how to pull myself out of this depression:

-I feel like i'm an idiot. Pre-Calculus? I understand it PERFECTLY. But I get my tests back, and there's more red on them than pencil marks. Same for Physics, only I don't understand it perfectly. But I understand the concepts and how to apply them. Theo makes better grades than me in that class...and Pre-Cal, for all I know. I seriously feel lik I'm an idiot. While Andrew and Diana get their 90's and 100's, I'm sitting there, mouth open, gasping over my 40. While Heidi and Elizabeth and Theo get their 80's and whatnot, I'm stressing over my 60. Same for English, but in a different sort of application. I feel like I'm a good writer. At least when it comes to fiction. But I get back these quizzes and papers and it's been ripped to shreds and it really makes me feel like this isn't something I shouldn't pursue, which is sad because it's truly what I want to do (Besides teaching. I'm told absolutely NOBODY this, but I really want to be a teacher above all else) and I just think that the teachers I have seem to sigh when they look at me with a "Such potential...oh well". Maybe I need to sit down with them and figure out why I can't understand the material and fix it...fast. Four weeks until grades are locked for first quarter.
-My grandfather's death. Realistically, I should be over it. but I'm not. I keep reliving that weekend in my mind and the circumstances and why I never went to visit him and how he went to his grave with his last words about me being "I wish we were closer" and how he was this big, commanding man whom you would never associate with death who DIED and sent my two machismo uncles into tears, including all of my cousins (One of whom is in the NAVY) and my aunts. How I broke down the night of the funeral. Absolutely broke down. There's no other word. I cried my heart out both at the funeral and after the funeral. How my only remaining grandparent recently had heart problems and now I'm scared to death she's going to go.
-My faith. I've begun to question the Bible and such. I do believe there is a higher being out there (God or not) but I'm not sure the Bible is something I should put my complete faith in. Take homosexuality. If God is in control of your fate and everything that will happen to you, why would he create these people who are considered abominations? In Acts, it talks about Paul going to convert the greeks who worship many gods. And now, we consider this wrong and how we are tolerant of religions. What gave Paul the right to interupt the worshipping of a culture to tell them that there is only one god, and you have to worship him or burn in hell? And if this is true, why do we vehemently refuse to do this to the other religions of the world? The Bible says it's okay, so why not? And in Revelations, we have this cosmin, mystical battle, but really...come on. The rest of the bible is fairly standard stuff, and then along comes the battle? I believe Christianity is more of a mythology. The battle between Heaven and Hell. The day the world ends. i can equate that to Ragnarok in Norse Mythology. The Flood and Noah. Every culture has a flood story. And where were the Dinosaurs? If God created Adam and Eve immediatly after he created everything else...where are the Dinosaurs, because Cain and Able are born to Adam and Eve almost immediatly after. I'm not an atheist, I do believe in a god, if not the god...but I just think the bible is a bunch of bullshit
-My family. My mom annoys me, my brother annoys me, my father annoys me. Simple as that. I'm tired of my brother because he's annoying and needs to shut up every once in a while. I'm tired of him complaining about his pitiful two math problems he has to do for homework. I'm tired of my mom's Clay Aiken obsession. I'm tired of her spending our MONEY on Clay stuff. I'm tired of her marking down when Clay will be on TV. I'm tired of her being as possessive as she is. I'm tired of my father constantly assuming that if something went wrong, I did it. I'm tired of my father constantly making me do the stuff he's too lazy to do. I'm tired of him eating anything that comes within two feet of him. I'm tired of him thinking he knows all that happened, and there is no other option. I'm tired of my family treating me like an outsider and that my brother can do no wrong. He made a better grade on his report card than I. So what? I made better grades when I was in his grade. So he got 3 B's and 5 A's? I seem to remember getting only 4 B's on my report card throughout middle school...everything else was an A.
-Acting. I know I'm projecting. Yet Delaney keeps saying I need to work on volume. WHAT?! Let's ignore the rest of the cast who I can't hear when I'm on stage with them. Let's ignore those who still can't pronounce Cawdor. Ignore them. I'm tired of staying after that long (Even though I shouldn't complain as a lot of people do nothing but walk on and walk off and have to stay the entire time) and I'm tired of the ninth graders who can't be responsible and be on stage when they are supposed to be. I'm tired of the Porter not being able to pronounce Beelzebub (Billzebuh). I'm tired of feeling like I'm a terrible actor. I'm tired of not being able to get my lines to sound the way they should.
-School on a whole. I'm so fucking goddamn TIRED of the sixth graders. I'm tired of how they block up the stairwells to talk to one another. I'm tired of how they run everywhere. I'm tired of how they think they rule the school. I'm tired of how some people think they are the absolute shit and can do whatever they want. i'm tired of the people who have no clear major in an arts school who are taking up a spot that a talented person could have. I'm tired of the parking lot situation. I'm tired of driving to school in the morning. I'm tired of that damn gym that we don't need. I'm tired of the homework. I'm tired of Homeroom.
-Friends. TELL ME THINGS. I'm not going to hate you, I'm not going to judge you. I feel like everybody is keeping something from me, like i'm the person who everybody acts nice too but secretly hates. I feel like if everybody was told they had to pick one person to spend the rest of their life with on a desert island out of our group of friends, I would be the one without someone. I feel like they all have these opinions about me they won't express. I feel they all have these secrets that they think I'm going to judge them on. Help me. Don't assume I know what you're talking about. Don't think I'm the ultra-smart one (I know a few of you do) because I'm not. Stop interupting me when I'm talking. Maybe that's why I've bonded with Brittany so much this year: She doesn't do all these things. She treats me like I'm a true friend. Only Theo does that as well. Maybe that's why I've bonded with Landon, Caroline and Jessie as well. New blood. Andrew, Heidi, Amanda, Elizabeth, Katie, Brittany, Diana, Jana, McKenzie...whoever else I'm forgetting, you will always be my friends, but I just feel like I'm the third wheel in this group of friends.

So...there. It's been typed. I'm going to finish Physics homework.

What's wrong with me?

:: Nick Wednesday, September 17, 2003 [+] ::