:: Oh, Look, A Tumbleweed ::

:: Sunday, August 31, 2003 ::

Today has been a hard day. I really think I have this mild depression going that started back when my grandfather died.

In any case, I slapped my brother today. My mom and I were talking about how my brother was watching this Gamer TV station and I said "Oh, so now when he isn't playing his three hour long marathon of video games, he can watch three hours of Gamer TV!" and my mom then mentioned something about cancelling cable, and I said no. So then my brother says "Oh, you can cancel it" and I said "But you'd miss out on your Gamer TV" and then he completely turns the conversation and says "Well, why don't you want it cancelled, Nick?" And he gives me that condesending smile that I wanted to slap off his face.

And then I started just thinking about how often he does this. He tries to play the role of the parent and turn conversations about him onto me that make it look like I'm doing some secret illegal activity. All these thoughts rushed through my head in about the span of a second, my blood pressure soared, and I flat out walloped him. I wanted to actually strangle him, but with my mom right there, that would never happen. So I slapped him, then he goes into this rage, and I take off running.

so then, when I could finally get alone with my mom, I explained why. He does this everyday. it would be different if it were every so often, but I have to deal with his twists daily, and that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. All that pent up anger. I really honestly could have cared less today if I never saw my brother again after I moved out. So my mom said she'd talk to him, which she did.

So then I went to Chili's with my brother about two hours later to pick up dinner, and happened to slightly scrape a car. I got scared when we pulled out because the bumper was mangled, but I really just nudged the damn thing (Which was all over the line) so I felt better. Also felt good knowing no one was around. And that if somebody did manage to get the license plate, it was my dad's car, and thus, he'd get fined. I've only had his car for a week, anyways.

Talked with my mother about why I've been feeling so down. Ever since my grandfather died, the fact that I never went to go see him has eaten me alive. Truly, my thoughts dwell on it everyday. My mom said that I could only learn from it, as she wasn't with her mother when she died. But that's different. She went to see her mother when she was in the hospital. That experience has scared me, as well, because I was in the hospital the night my grandmother died, and to realize that death is inevitable at seven or eight years old is a scary thing.

So I talked with her about that, and how the Lizzy/Mary Rose saga started soon after and as soon as that started to get resolved, school started up. Add on the other minor things that have happened in between then and now (My bout with insomnia, my grandmother in the hospital, exams) and I just want things to stop. I want there to be one day where all I can do is sleep. When i got home from school on Friday, I turned the TV on, and slept for three hours. Woke up when my brother got home with my mom, went to sleep again about an hour later. Parent's wanted to go out to eat, I said nah, to tired, fell asleep for another three hours. And still managed to get to sleep at ten thirty that night. And woke up at twelve on saturday.

I just want things to slow down. I don't mind the school work, I'm fairly used to that, but I just want to be in a peaceful world where I don't have to worry about things all the time. I don't know if I'm having an epiphany or something at this point in my life, but I truly fell depressed and I'm sad, and I just want a week off from school and life on a whole to get my shit together and start over.

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Anuna - The Last Rose

:: Nick Sunday, August 31, 2003 [+] ::